Templedragon Times
The FoolTown Crier
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always soffice
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certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." -Bertrand
Russell, philosopher, mathematician, author, Nobel laureate (1872-1970) If the
following was true it would be less interesting. Wouldn't it? The lies that follow
were perpetrated in love and comedic kindness....
the FOOL TOWN CRIER
Pink Pantychat...
Templedragon Times Exclusive!
Dan Savage: Closet Hetero?
Seattle's gay bars and night clubs have been buzzing with steamy rumors that Stranger Magazine senior editor Dan Savage has been engaging in a heterosexual love affair with a female staffer of the critically acclaimed weekly alt-culture 'zine.
Savage, notorious for his wanton gayness and unabashed homosexuality, has not commented on his potential socially acceptable behavior (there is no word at this time of whether or not a condom was used...if indeed anything happened at all). The riveting gossip about Savage's possible breeder love tryst was met on Capital Hill with gaping mouths and dismay, as a shockwave rippled through the close-knit Pacific Northwest rainbow community.
Templedragon times has contacted numerous sources, and at this time these vicious and explosive rumors remain totally unsubstantiated. In addition, no phone calls have been returned by Stranger employees, but a young woman waiting for a bus on Broadway who claimed to be the room-mate of a Stranger staffer insisted... "my roomie told me that Dan has popped burl wood several times in the presence of only girls, I mean, do the math Professor Whiz Bang!".
Some readers are interpreting Savage's recent high profile marriage to a woman as a desperate attempt to deflect attention away from his hot hetero sexcapades, the apparent rationale being that he would have no reason to engage in straight sex with a woman if he was already having straight sex with a woman, making this not only the world's longest sentence, but in addition a totally meaningles one as well.
Stay tuned, as the story develops. We promise to stay right on top of this story, in a perpetual missionary position.
"Mommy, did you really shag Uncle Savage?"
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"Thank you for liberating my limb, Mr. Bush!"
Photo Credit: courtesy Capitol Hill Revolver
"There is a split in the church, a lickety split!" proclaims Mary O'Keefe
Capitol Hill: Seattle resident and goth princess "Bloody Mary" O'Keefe has been generating complaints from angry neighbors for her public displays of foreplay on a collection of Jesus figurines she has prominently featured in her front yard.
Police say that the fiery red-headed part-time exotic dancer's sexualistic rituals fall in a gray area within the law, and residents of the usually permissive neighborhood will just have to look the other way as she expresses her freedom of speech, and apparent freedom of religion.
"Worship is worship, and I just have my own way" says Ms. O'Keefe, who claims to be a witch and a member of the Wiccan religion. She says she intends to incorporate her lewd and lascivious acts of sexual depravity upon the sadhappy savior into her professional strip-tease act in January. "If they can't stand a little Oral Roberts on the prince of Peace, just wait until they see me kneel prostrate before his mighty member and baptize myself in his sacred holy water" she said to Templedragon Times.
Angry resident Stan Berman says the outraged neighbors have concoted a plan to get even. They have contacted a New Jersey company that manufactures life-sized taffy replicas of film maker Michael Moore. "When she sees us tugging on Moore's massive member, then she'll have gotten a taste of her own medicine" exclaimed the exasperated Berman. We've heard of "taking a hands on approach with a member" before, but this is way over the top!
The "Baby You Can Buy My Tar, And Baby I Love You" Department...
In other Capital Hill news, a neighborhood newspaper claims that Seattle Narcotics Officers said in a recent report that the purity of street heroin obtained on Capital Hill is so high that the diverse Seattle neighborhood is now being called "Noddingham" by area junkies. A well known drug house off of Broadway, where users of the narcotic substance are alleged to frequently obtain the sinister sap, is reportedly referred to as "Tarbucks", because dealers are apparently opening a new one every 3 days. Another heroin house, this one located somewhere in the Wallingford District is reportedly being referred to as "Junk in the Box" because customers are given hollowed antenna balls that conceal the illicit substance (and look kinda cool on a car).
Seriously, though....Here is a link to the 12 Step groups page from the acclaimed Peace Heathens' Crisis Resource Guide, because dope is for dopes: Life is the best drug
In other related news:
College Fails in Bid to Grow Buds
By Wade Graham, Templedragon Times Correspondant
The University of Massachusetts has had a longstanding request to grow marijuana at so it can be tested for medical uses has been turned down by the Drug Enforcement Administration.
The decision was faxed to the university on Friday and made public yesterday by the Marijuana Policy Project, an independent group that favors legalization of marijuana, particularly for medical uses, and has an open contract with local pizza delivery companies.
A spokeswoman for the D.E.A. said the agency would have no comment beyond its order, which gave the university 30 days to appeal.
The dispute is over marijuana in its smoked or vaporized form. Capsules of THC, or tetrahydrocannabinol, one of the plant's active ingredients, can be prescribed in many states for cancer and AIDS patients suffering nausea and appetite loss. But proponents of medical marijuana argue that the capsules are impossible to keep lit, and look really boring on multi-page centerfold pullouts in magazines such as High Times and Cannabis Culture.
In its order, drug agency said the lone government-licensed marijuana farm, operated by the University of Mississippi, grew enough for researchers and their friends, but said problams arose after alumni were caught breaking into the college cafeteria after having induced a "kingsized case" of the munchies. It said that 18 medical studies using the drug had been approved since 2000.
But Dr. Lyle E. Craker, the professor of plant biology at the University of Massachusetts who applied for the license three years ago, said researchers complained that the government's marijuana was weak and that it was hard to get permission to use it. "This stuff is bunk, and wouldn't even get an Ashley Simpson fan stoned" he said. "Are you gonna eat those chips?".
"We wanted to have a source independent from the government and with a known potency so doctors can run clinical trials, " he continued, "and these nugs would have been paid for by taxpayer money, and everyone knows that herb is that much more stoney when it is free". Researchers would still have needed D.E.A. permission to work with the drug.
Alki Beach man ticketed for not having red flag on giant rolling penis.
Photo Credit: Rodney Argent
Seattle -- A 47 year old Alki Beach man was stopped by traffic police for failing to flag his giant inflatable penis as he drove his toilet-cycle multiple times through the well known thoroughfare. "I should have had protection" said Harold Larson, an unemployed roofer who says he just purchased the chopped commode and was enjoying his first ride.
Mr. Larson received a traffic violation for not attaching a red warning flag (pictured above) to alert fellow motorists of a massive protruding inflatable penis attached to his unconventional ride. "I guess if I ran into someone they'd really be fucked" joked the amused Larsen, who says he has learned his lesson and intends to be more responsible on future runs through the beachfront community.
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Let the truth begin!